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Wednesday, April 30, 2003
 
Peta makes me want to hurt animals I don't like PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I want to like them; an international organization dedicated to preventing animal cruelty sounds like a great idea to me. So given that I think such an organization should and must exist, I find it astounding how much I hate the bastards. What a bunch of fucking assholes. Somehow they've taken the task of protecting defenseless animals and turned it into a hotbed of extremism and lunacy. I was walking through my school today when I see a sign with PetCo in giant letters. It read as follows: "PETA says boycott Petco." And above that it read "PetNo: Where the pets go to die." What a lovely sign. My favorite part is the way it orders me around like a mute automaton without giving me any explanation of why they want to boycott Petco. A visit to their website revealed the reasons for their boycott, which were at least understandable and reasonable. But that's the thing about Peta. Even when they have a good cause, they're such sensationalist bastards. They don't try to educate people; they try to trick people with slick ads comparing the cattle industry to the Nazis at Auschwitz. In essence, they combine the tactics of angry radicals with the tactics of the big industries they fight against. Perhaps the best example of the way they dive after media attention without at least coming up with a cogent argument first is their new page of SARS fear-mongering. Basically the page says that if all the people in the world were vegans, China wouldn't have lost so many people to SARS recently. Of course, they should probably have mentioned that if everyone in the world were a vegan eating only unmodified natural crops, we'd have a billion people in China dying from starvation. They refer to the folly of our "meat addiction," but a more accurate term would be "not-wanting-to-horribly-starve-to-death addiction." Peta’s own radicalism is working against them here. They can’t stick to one argument. On the one hand they’re talking about the concept that it’s never right to eat animals or products derived from animals. But they’re also saying that the reason to boycott the meat industry en masse is to force them to make changes. They seem to be saying that the desire to eat meat is wrong, but then calling their refusal to eat meat a boycott of the meat industry seems rather silly because the only way the meat industry could meet Peta’s conditions to end the boycott would be to stop producing meat, which would make resolving the boycott pointless because there would be no product for members of Peta to actively not buy. I think they ruin their credibility by pushing the vegan angle so religiously because it means that even when a food company does comply with Peta’s requests, they’re still being condemned as murderers. This also makes them an inherently weak group because if they’re truly effective, they’ll convince people to become vegans and no meat-selling company is gonna get all that worried because a bunch of vegans boycott them. So let’s do a little wrap-up of why I don’t like this: They’re media whores. They lie and scheme to trick people into following their beliefs instead of presenting rational arguments. And their constant boycotts, even when aimed fairly against bad companies, are always self-dilluted by Peta’s mixed messages and zeal in promoting veganism.
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Sunday, April 27, 2003
 
What the f***? Okay, this link is taken from Slashdot, so you may have already seen it, but the site is so amazingly weird that it deserves its own post here. http://www.audiobooksforfree.com/kalashnikov/ak-mp3.asp It's a site dedicated to building MP3 players into AK47's. The bikini wearing gun/mp3-player model makes the site all the weirder.
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From CNN's front-page The following is from CNN.com's news links:
  • Police chief dies after shooting wife
  • Police: Actor Jamie Foxx in casino brawl
Boy, I knew Jamie Foxx could be annoying, but really!

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Saturday, April 26, 2003
 
So, umm, yeah Wow. I made a whole lot of content heavy posts a few days ago, and now it's like the well has run dry. I'm out of ideas. The only news on the web that interests me is about videogames and whatnot. The only place to turn is television. So here's a rundown of my TV viewing as of late: West Wing: Something is off with this show. I still like it, and I disagree with all the people who think the show was devastated by the loss of Rob Lowe, but somehow I feel like the show has pushed too far. NBC has made me think they were going to kill a character too many times, and the show has had too many crazy events. John Doe: Even though the season finale shocker was ruined by Fox's advertising, I still like this show. It's not great, and there is some lazy writing used at times, but the show has a good interesting plot arc to carry it through. The problem is that it's on fox and fox is controlled my fucking morons who will cancel it. Scrubs: Good. The show had a lull after the great first season, but I think it's bouncing back. What other primetime show can just randomly have the characters perform in german music videos? ER: I just don't care. The show isn't really any worse than it used to be. The stories are of the same caliber and the medical drama is the same, but I just don't care. The show has been on the air too long and killed too many characters. I feel like all the characters that remain hold no emotional connection with the viewer. So many of them only debuted a season or two ago so I don't feel any reason to care about them. I think the show has lost its heart. It already had problems before Dr. Green was killed off, but now with him gone, the show just feels like a mechanical drama. All the beats and parts run like a well-oiled machine, but there just doesn't seem to be anything substantive to back up the process. They still have Dr. Carter, but one original cast member who has already had a billion different personal plot lines during the past 9 years isn't enough to carry the show. CSI/CSI: Miami: I like these shows. CSI: Miami is a little bit more conservative with its special effects use than plain-old CSI and that's a good thing, but then again, it also lacks all the charm of the characters in the first CSI. Everyone in CSI: Miami feels like an empty void. It's like the writers came up with a bunch of character names and then just started writing scripts without having come up with any personalities to go with those names. It's a show of Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, empty vessel needed only to carry the plot forward. Luckily the mechanics of the CSI format are so strong that you could probably add a talking chimp to the cast and it wouldn't really hurt things. Frasier: The show should've ended last season, and the cast knows it. They have announced this will be their last season, but you can definitely feel that this season is only here because of contractual obligation. The show has just run out of gas. After years and years of Frasier searching for a girlfriend and falling flat, and a few seasons of Niles + Daphne romance crap, the show just doesn't have anything else to do. When your show can't even think up plotlines that involve the show's namesake, you know you're in trouble. Law & Order: Criminal Intent: They should just rename this the Vincent D'Onofrio Show. They come up with good cases but where's the fucking fun when you've got this D'Onofrio character who solves every crime and outwits every criminal. The show has yet to have him confront a topic without having an absolute mastery of the subject. Does the killer specialize in astrophysics? Well, not to worry. Detective Goren knows wrote his doctoral thesis on it. Or wait, the killer has a rare phsychological disorder? Well, Detective Goren can read minds and shoot lasers from his eyes. He's the fucking Superman of detective shows. He's Tony Shaloub's Monk but without all the problems. The question isn't, will the Detectives catch the killer. The only question is which of D'Onofrio's character's 33 billion areas of study will be used to effortlessly outwit the killer during the final scene. Okay, that's enough TV round-up for now.
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
 
A brief respite from phony marriage declarations and poop jokes Well, it's been a long, long time since I've seen anything about the 2004 election. Here's a new article from Slate.com about the early results of Democratic fundraising. To sum the article up, John Edwards took in the most money of all the Democratic hopefuls during a certain time period and this has given him added gravitas (haven't seen that word since the 2000 election) in most insiders' minds. The article disputes the importance of these numbers and tries (and fails to some extent) to explain why they're flawed. I found the article to be mostly frustrating. You can see the good point that the author is trying to make, but the article itself just seems to run around aimlessly without really addressing things. He seems unwilling to come out and say that Edwards won the early money battle because of big-check writing lawyers and John Kerry's two week fundraising hiatus spent fighting prostate cancer. Here's where the article gets stupid. This guy starts off talking about how this early money race is an "invisible primary," but he himself quotes stories about the fundraising from about 15 other sources. And it's not like no one knew they could start donating to the candidate of their choice by now if they wanted to. He seems to be suggesting that this is an extremely unimportant event, but at the same time, he talks about how every other media source on the planet has taken the story as a boon for the Edwards campaign and shifted perception away from Kerry as the front-runner. Obviously this was an important event; the author thinks it shouldn't be important and is probably right, but just saying that doesn't change reality. This is a fine case of a writer trying to complain about something in a meaningful way, but instead just running around in circles for a page and a half of angry blathering.
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Monday, April 21, 2003
 
The wedding is off! Seems that Asparagirl wasn't content to crush merely my brother's heart (see post below), she had to go ahead and cancel our wedding as well. I keep looking back on the six hours that our ficticious relationship lasted while wondering where we went wrong. I wonder if perhaps we met each other's parents too soon, or maybe the problem was more spiritual. I'm crushed, I think. I admit that my experience in relationships is pretty limited, but I assume that I should be emotionally crushed by our failed engagement. I think that when it came down to it, we wanted different things. I wanted a log cabin and a tub full of seamonkeys, and she wanted to fix an error in her weblog that caused her to accidently refer to me as her husband. Still, I wonder if perhaps there were more disturbing motives behind her decision. Afterall, a woman who talks about feces and breaks off her engagement with one man and then gets engaged to that man's brother in the same post is obviously untrustworthy. I suppose it's better to have pretended to have loved and lost then it is to have never pretended to have loved at all. And I'll always have the memories of our 6-hour long ficticious romance; I'll certainly never forget all the hours we spent not seeing or speaking to each other. Goodbye, noble Asparagus. May your next server-error based romance be more profitable.
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Blogger creates ficticious love-triangle to increase hits It's unfortunate, but our dear Asparagirl has truly lost it. She's gibbering on and on about poop, and now just a short 7 months before her wedding to my brother, she's announced that she's marrying me instead. Please note this quote of the post linked to above: "OF POOP AND PESACH ...or, Why Is This Trip To The Bathroom Different From All Other Trips To The Bathroom? My hubby and his wonderful family. Back in a few days." If you note, you'll see that when referring to her "hubby," she links to my post about Passover UrineTM. Clearly she and I are getting married. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage... Now I'm as surprised as the next guy that I'm marrying Asparagirl, but I'm sure my brother must be devastated. Lacking a little thing called balls, he now relies on Brooke to make all his decisions for him. And I must say, it was cruel of her to not only announce our impending nuptials before breaking off her engagement to Scott, but to also hide the announcement in such a confusing post about feces. I just hope that this feces fetish of hers won't derail our marriage just as it obviously derailed her romance with Scott.
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Sunday, April 20, 2003
 
Texas is a very weird place "Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five well cooked sausage patties, french fries with catsup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four cartons of milk." This is the requested last meal of Richard Beavers who was executed in 1994. How do I know this? Well for reasons that escape me, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice has put together a lovely little page listing the last meal requests of every inmate to be executed in their prison system. I can't be the only one who thinks this is weird.
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The Joys of Passover As you may or may not know, I belong to the 4,000-year-old religion known as Judaism (Slogan: We're Old Skool!). This means that I recently celebrated and continue to celebrate (or endure, depending on your level of Judaism) the holiday of Passover. As a remembrance of Jews longsince dead, we now collectively suffer for their memory by eliminating bread and anything that's been risen with yeast from our diets. In case you're unsure, let me assure that there are plenty of foods that don't violate Passover law, such as: Matzah, Egg and Onion Matzah, Tuna, Soup (only certain kinds), and chocolate mints. What this means is that during the last day and for the next week I eat essentially nothing. I just drink endless amounts of water and black cherry soda to try to make up for all the lost food. And it is because of these manifold reasons that I'm now leaking urine like a sieve. I take a piss then almost before I've flushed I have to pee again. And not little drippy pisses; these are full on pisses spanning hours or even days in length. Normally I consider anytime spent in the bathroom to be a blessing ... perhaps I should elaborate. You see, I do my best work in the bathroom ... okay, perhaps I should just start over. Normally I don't mind spending lots of time in the bathroom because that's usually my most productive atmosphere. Away from the distractions of the television and my computer, I've written many a report and solved many a Calculus problem (while excreting many a poop). I've always felt that there's something spectacularly efficient about peeing, doing math work, and drinking a soda at the same time. But these Passover pee trips take the joy out of bathroom life. If you're visiting the bathroom again and again but only for urination, then you can never really start your work in the bathroom because by the time you're ready to start solving problems, your bladder is deceptively empty and you must leave for fear that bathroom inhabting insects will regroup and crawl inside your rectum (I check the toilet bowl every time to make sure no anus-seeking spiders or flies lie under the seat). I guess I'll just have to chalk this all up as another perk of being one of god's chosen people.
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I'm a fan of the NBA I like watching Basketball. So much so that I just capitalized the word for no apparent reason. I know the addresses of all the major basketball news pages by heart, and I've even chatted on some Laker fan webforums. This is interesting because I am perhaps the least athletic person on the planet. I am literally pathetic. My greatest athletic achievements all came in Little League Baseball, where I was famous not for hitting homeruns, but for getting hit by pitches (18 times during the first year; twice in the first game). In fact, my time in Little League Basketball was the lowpoint of an athletic career already filled with lows (my team never won a game during the two years I played). And yet, I truly enjoy watching basketball (even though I can no longer justify capitalizing the word). Scott prefers baseball, most likely because he's gay. I haven't investigated the matter fully, but when it comes to Scott, questioning his sexuality is usually the correct response. I've been watching it all year and now even watch games that don't feature my hometown Lakers. The problem is that now that I actually know what I'm talking about, when I try to talk to people about it, they think I'm a fucking moron. Not because I say anything stupid, but because I'm a Laker fan. You see, since the Lakers have won the past three championships, they're now a bandwagon team just like Michael Jordan's Bulls. Thousands of people who are casual fans of Basketball (recapitalized) don't really root for anyone and then just pretend to have been rooting for the Lakers all along once they've won. Add onto this the fact that people in Los Angeles are notoriously phony when it comes to their sports franchises (all of a sudden everyone is an Anaheim Angels fan because they won the World Series), and you'll see why everytime I say I'm a Lakers fan, anyone I'm talking to immediately shuts their ears. This is especially frustrating when I play videogame basketball online. As soon as I pick the Lakers, everyone thinks I'm just some crazy Kobe Bryant fan, which is true but that doesn't mean they should assume it! I had a point along the way but rather than cobbling something sensible together I'll just end by saying that Scott is very stupid and my new better brother Grant is far superior.
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Saturday, April 19, 2003
 
Scott Peterson For some reason everytime someone mentions this guy's name, I think they're talking about the secret identity of some comic book superhero. The first time today I saw his name mentioned I thought to myself, "Isn't that the seceret identity of Iron Man?" But alas, he isn't a superhero; I don't remember Clark Kent murdering any pregnant women and then dumping them into the San Francisco Bay. My mother was of course shocked. She was outside when the news broke so I think she feels that this development somehow justifies her insane TV viewing habits. She is perhaps the only person on earth who actually views 24-hour news channels for the full 24-hours. I told her months ago that Laci Peterson was dead and that her husband killed her. That's what made this whole media concoction so silly. We were following around the press conferences of this slimy bastard who any sane person knew must be behind the murder. As my father said, the only good thing about all this media coverage of Laci Peterson and all this coverage of the War in Iraq is that we aren't gonna have to media try to scare us out of our wits with SARS crap.
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Punisher, Hulk, X-Men, Catwoman? From now on, Hollywood needs to run all their movie ideas through me.
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Friday, April 18, 2003
 
Comedy ... from the Book of Revelations I'm sure this is an old link that's been passed around a lot, but here's an hilarious "christian" look at the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (warning, gay hobbit sex is involved).
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003
 
Southern Jugbands --> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans.
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Monday, April 14, 2003
 
Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).
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Sunday, April 13, 2003
 
A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.
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CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.
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Saturday, April 12, 2003
 
Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.
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Friday, April 11, 2003
 
How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.
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Thursday, April 10, 2003
 
Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.
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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
 
We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.
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Sunday, April 06, 2003
 
Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.
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Saturday, April 05, 2003
 
Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!
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Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.
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TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.
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Friday, April 04, 2003
 
Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.
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Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
 
Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.
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War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/
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Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com--> Star Trek --> Baywatch? Well, it seems like the TNN network finally decided to pick an actual concept for their network to follow. I've posted before about what a wild hodgepodge of zany programming the network is. I'm not thrilled with the name though. "Spike TV," the "first" network dedicated to men. I don't think that's exactly accurate since you can't turn on a TV anymore without seeing hot scantily clad ladies encouraging men to buy beer, clothes, cars, fish, games, gynecological equipment, and fuel-pump cleansing systems. I also was not thrilled by the stream of babble emitted by their President: "Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be. It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before." ...right. Someone's taken a few too many marketing classes. Hopefully this transition won't do too much to change their Star Trek syndication plans. |W|P|92697982|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/14/2003 11:19:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Daytime TV + Lesbians = Profit? Apparently ABC is trying to get as much buzz and attention as they can for the first lesbian kiss in the daytime soaps. Here's a line from the article: "Daytime television viewers -- considered to be among America's most conservative audiences -- will see their first on-screen lesbian kiss next week" What? Daytime audiences are conservative? Every daytime television show is an endless string of adulterous sex, women in hot tubs, and rampant murders/kidnappings. The real reason there hasn't been a lesbian kiss before now is simply that mostly women watch daytime soaps and somewhat paradoxically, men are the ones really interested in lesbians (perhaps it's the challenge or the insinuated potential polygamic relationships?).|W|P|92634259|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 08:29:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|A show too terrible to contemplate Fox's new Reality show had a premise that was already pushing the barriers of awfulness, but now they've announced that Monica Lewinsky is going to host it.|W|P|92559920|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/13/2003 12:28:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|CNN one-ups FoxNews by attacking Iraq themselves Apparently, if my internet cronies are to be believed, a group of CNN reporters just got involved in a skirmish with some Iraqi forces. They crossed into an Iraqi area that was apparently abandoned but were then stopped by some guys with guns. The guys with guns were rather adamant that these reporters turn off their cameras and come with them, so the CNN crew decided to take the time-tested strategy of driving away as fast as possible. I've also heard it claimed that the CNN hired body guards returned fire on the Iraqis during the ensuing chase. edit: CNN's replaying the footage, which was made with some sort of portable videophone type technology. Very pixelated. But clearly a highspeed chase with gunfire back and forth. Oh, and here's something that really takes the cake for liberal bullshit: Upon hearing this news, an anti-war liberal said that it served CNN right for being so biased about the war because they weren't entitled to safe treatment of the press.|W|P|92521600|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/12/2003 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Predictions There will be no more major wars in this term of the Bush administration unless there's another major terrorist attack. There might be small operations from time to time, but he's had his victory in Iraq, the budget is completely out of control, and by the time the next major war would be ready, the next election would be upon us and Bush would look like slime. He'll wait until term 2 (assuming he wins) before doing anything major like attacking Syria.|W|P|92511406|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/11/2003 01:10:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|How real was the statue event? Here's a link to a big image I was directed to by an anti-war nut. Don't tell Asparagirl's cats, who apparently were so thrilled by the footage in question that they were left speechless. I don't necessarily trust the image and the claims because the guy who sent it my way is extraordinarly out of touch with reality. Still, I think it does raise some doubts about how many real Baghdad residents participated and how many were just friendly militia troops posing for the camera. Of course, if this truly were a huge fake media event, it still wouldn't change the fact that we've yet to see any significant number of regular Iraqis who were particularly outraged by seeing Saddam go. And what's more, it's not like these were the only celebrating Iraqis shown on TV. I'd say this image raises suspicions, but because the source is so anti-US, I'll give the government the benefit of the doubt.|W|P|92415641|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/10/2003 12:23:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Siguy's Advice to Asparagirl (Now #2 on the New York Times bestseller list) If you can spot the reference in this post's title, you win a cookie. Asparagirl's recent post mentioning that she was moving to Los Angeles created many a comment, but seeing as I must redirect all available attention to myself, I decided to give her my advice in a post instead of just using her comment system. Los Angeles isn't quite sane, but unlike her hometown, we import most of our crazies. A few things to help you acclimate: 1. The traffic is awful and everyone on earth already knows that it's awful, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't complain about it everyday to everyone you see. But never complain to the city itself or expect the politicians to fix the problem. For a perfect example of this, see Scott's recent post. Is there anyone alive who doesn't know that Los Angeles has traffic problems? But Scott had to make a post about it because any Los Angelino who doesn't scream about the traffic at least once a month will explode into a mist of blood and starbucks coffee. I myself spent over an hour driving around in horrible traffic today and then nearly ran over a near-sighted pigeon. I should say, however, that Scott is wrong. I don't drive a whole lot, but the problem in LA isn't cellphones. Sure, there are plenty of drivers with cellphones, but the real problem is simply that we have 9 million people all trying to use the same highways and who have consequently sat in traffic jams for so long that their brains have been bleached out of their skulls by the sun. 2. Anytime that it rains, imagine every other driver as a violent sex offender trying to ram your car off the road. The byproduct of having great weather for 80% of the year means that for that other 20% of the year, LA drivers become even worse. 3. You should already be familiar with this principle because you're from New York, but if you know anything at all about the mass of land (or ocean, I forget which) that sits between LA and New York, forget it. We in LA don't care about any of the people in those middle states so long as they keep buying movie tickets. 4. Support the local sports teams, but in a suspiciously disinterested way. Basically just cheer for whichever local team is winning. Luckily we have about 900 national sports franchises in the city alone so the laws of probability dictate that at least one team within 50 miles is winning at some time or another. That's all for now, but I'll let you know when I think of more advice.|W|P|92346171|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/09/2003 11:52:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|We win? Assuming that we are able to hold down control of Iraq without some sort of messy guerilla warfare killing lots of US soldiers, I'd say this war has gone remarkably well. Even the people who assumed Iraq would be a pushover thought the hardest fighting would come in Baghdad. Apparently though, all that French money Saddam's regime has been taking for years must've affected them more than they thought because they went down like a dress on prom night. It was surreal watching this morning as that statue of Saddam was slowly pulled down. One or two soldiers seemed a little confused as they first put a US flag on its head (a bad imperialist symbol in this context) and then put an Iraqi flag on his head instead. People cheered at that, but I couldn't help thinking that using someone else's flag as a gag on a statue and then smashing the statue to the ground isn't the clearest message of support. Anyway, judging by the craftsmanship of that statue, we should open factories in Iraq as soon as possible. The Berlin wall and all those statues of Lenin smashed into pieces real easy, but this Saddam statue was quite well made. I suspect that if we act quickly, Iraq can become the world's leading exporter of marble lawn structures. I'm sure there are some Iraqis angry about this war, but judging by the endless footage of joyous dancing in the streets, those Iraqis are in the minority. I'm sure there'll be setbacks as we finish up this war, but I think we have reason to be optimistic. These Iraqis seem happier to be free than even the people of Afghanistan, who could be jailed and killed for shaving. Now I just hope that we cool things off internationally a little bit. Let's find some evidence of Saddam's sneaky tactics and brutal regime, and quietly go about improving things in the country. I think that if things go well in Iraq, even the most vehement anti-war folks in Europe will feel like maybe things really are better this way.|W|P|92345131|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/06/2003 05:30:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Drudge, thy name is slime Matt Drudge seems dedicated to preserving his title as most pathetic journalist on earth. Here's an "article" of his. Amazing! Senator Kerry has used a phrase that's been used by other people! This is one of the worst non-stories I've ever seen Drudge try to copy-and-paste together.|W|P|92114943|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 11:03:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fall Back, Spring Forward Well, Daylight savings is upon us. Sure, go ahead. Change your clocks! Be a slave to the Railroad Tycoons and Woodrow Wilson! Where in the constitution does it say that the government can tell me what time it is! If I say it's dicketey-two past four, then it's dicketey-two past four!|W|P|92078074|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 10:10:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Blog is finally working again I don't know what got things working again. I changed every god damned setting in the blog control menu like 7500 times and I republished all the time. Things finally seem to be working (knock on wood). Unfortunately, we'll never know how many of my brilliant musings may have been lost to the seas of time because of this blogger-tastrophe. edit: I may have spoken too soon. This post refuses to show up. Wait. There it goes.|W|P|92076082|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/05/2003 09:34:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|TEST. DAMN YOU BLOGGER> PLEASE START WORKING.|W|P|92074775|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 06:53:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Bloodbath: Coming to a theater near you I now have more evidence that the world no longer needs comedians. Former USSR President Gorbachev has called for an end to the "bloodbath" in Iraq.|W|P|92019010|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/04/2003 05:17:00 PM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Fine Even if Blogger won't post the fuckers, I'm gonna keep making posts. Anyway, looks like I'm headed to Berkeley for college. I made this tough choice because all the other colleges I applied to sent back audio tapes of their admissions staff laughing at me.|W|P|92015396|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:33:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|Silly Blogger hasn't been working. I've spent the last three days deleting and retyping the same god damned post.|W|P|91833445|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com4/02/2003 01:32:00 AM|W|P|Simon|W|P|War Stats This link should prove popular with twisted nutjobs like Scott who need to watch every moment of the war on TV. http://www.iraqometer.com/|W|P|91833376|W|P||W|P|simong@gmail.com-->