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Saturday, May 31, 2003
 
The Emperor needs more money From StarWars.com: "Called 'Jump to Hyperspace,' fans will pay a subscription fee ($19.95 per year) and be given access to exclusive content, including a deleted scene from Episode II and an Episode III set report." You know that all that info is gonna leak out as soon as the subscribers get it. In fact, I bet this is just a way for Lucas to sue rumor sites because he can claim that they got their info by stealing from his subscription service. Damned cheapass bastard.
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Friday, May 30, 2003
 
The dark side has claimed another jedi Apparently the famous portly jedi didn't take his recent celebrity as well as his previous interview suggested. He plans to sue the kids who posted the video of him on the internet. I don't really understand how such a lawsuit would work. I mean, if I accidently left a video of myself doing something stupid in one of my school's videocameras, I couldn't exactly say the footage was stolen from me. Afterall, it's the schools equipment. And seeing as how this portly jedi kid wasn't exactly Mickey Mouse in terms of worldwide recognition before this incident, he can't claim that it defamed his character or destroyed his public image. Oh woe is me. I lament and wish to live in a time when portly jedi celebrated their quasi celebrity instead of contacting lawyers.
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Yeah, and my microwave will shuffle cards Well, somehow a few media outlets out there are trying to drum up some hype about the most recent legal settlement between Microsoft and AOL. As a whole the agreement could best be described as AOL shouting "Screw you Netscape and Real; I'm going where the money is!" I am, of course, very for anything that screws over the Real corporation because their leach of a program terrifies me in ways I didn't think possible. But all this talk about how this means Microsoft and AOL are now going to work together to dominate the future with their super Microsoft-AOL Xbox/Internet-Toaster is just bull. These companies hate each other; I mean, AOL and Time Warner literally merged with each other and they couldn't work together so why the hell is a Microsoft-AOL pairing gonna make sense? Besides that, people are reading way too much into this. AOL-TimeWarner is a debt-ridden colossus that doesn't want to spend the next ten years suing Microsoft; on the other hand, Microsoft has something like 30 billion in cold hard cash lying around and is just a tad sick of calling executives away from golf to appear in court rooms. This stuff about AOL using Internet Explorer and Windows Media Player is just AOL deciding that they don't want to waste their time fighting Microsoft for dominance in pointless areas with no potential financial benefit. That's the thing people don't get about Microsoft; as soon as Microsoft releases some product for free (whether it be a media player or internet browser) that market is offiicially destroyed. Any attempts to make money from that market are screwed for the forseeable future and only someone holding out for the truly longterm concept of subscription content has any hopes of weathering the storm. This deal is uninteresting and just goes to show that AOL really isn't what it used to be.
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Yahoo and fakeouts Anyway, the guy who rapes retards came clean that he doesn't actually rape retards. He just writes about raping ficticious retards. Now quickly, HAVE YOU SWITCHED TO YAHOO YET!?!? HAVE YOU!?!?! Well I haven't, but I'm worried that I'm gonna be lined up in the street and shot if I don't. Everyone who uses SBC for their internet access is getting absolutely deluged with crap begging them to switch their account to Yahoo DSL as part of some cross-promotion deal. It's been going on for months. They list the great benefits of switching to Yahoo DSL such as access to yahoo's email, storage, and webhosting services. Nevermind that all those services are free to anyone regardless of their internet provider. I'm beginning to think that there is no good reason for anyone to switch and that this is just an elaborate conspiracy by the advertising agencies to make huge sums of money printing up thousands of "SWITCH TO YAHOO DSL!!!" leaflets.
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Thursday, May 29, 2003
 
Ewww Well, I planned to post a link to this somewhat old but still incredibly cool Star Wars film. It's fan made but is probably better than The Phantom Menace. I got distracted because a web forum I frequent was quite destabilized by this sicko asking for advice after raping his retarded friend. Guy posts at the forum for years without seeming like a weirdo, and next thing we know he's telling us he raped a retarded girl. Very fucked up. Luckily someone had his address so his local police department has been informed and we'll see where things go from here.
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Wednesday, May 28, 2003
 
Baseballs, basketballs, and diapers "Where's sports heading to? We gonna start checking to see if babies can hold a baseball bat?" My Response: I didn't hear everyone making a stink when all those 12-year-old girls were winning gold medals for us in the olympics. All of a sudden these kids are getting paid big money and suddenly it's a fucking tragedy? Boohoo. The concept of amateurism is out of date. I don't think high school and college kids should be paid to perform their sports, but I don't see what the big damned woop is if Nike is stupid enough to give them 10 million dollars to wear shoes. In fact, maybe kids wouldn't be so eager to leap into the major leagues if they could play college ball without giving up all that merchandising money.
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Old biddy makes crap up to increase sales Maybe you've read these articles floating around from this woman who's selling a book about political correctness. She has tons of examples about how words are banned from textbooks and how books like "The Old Man and the Sea" could have their titles changed to gender neutral forms. It's all just sensationalist crap that she's using to drum up book sales. I saw her on the Daily Show pimping her book (man, they'd let a talking seal on that show) and everyone around her was just buying her lies. Maybe she's found a few examples from overzealous local school districts around the country, but there is no national list of banned words or anything like that. Plenty of modern textbooks have all the crap she's talking about. Maybe some of the homogenized bad textbooks used by some public schools don't have all these words in them, but that's hardly proof. I mean, how many opportunities does a textbook author (ie, the professor's unpaid student aids) get to use words like "biddy" and "yacht"? PS: I think I need to see Memento because I keep screaming to my mom: "Don't believe his lies!" Him being my cat, of course.
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Weigh In I got in an argument with someone. He says the CIA factbook claims that the US has a 10% atheist population. I say that the Gallup polling service and common sense say that only 5% of the US population is atheist. Who's right? PS: Scott and Brooke. Though it disgusts me, you two need to have like twelve children together because the Jewish population in this country is in the fucking crapper. PSS: Someone told me he sent his mom to look at my site. Now I kind of feel bad for using the F-word every ten seconds.
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Testing I was watching The Screen Savers and next to their download of the day was this compressed version of IE. I'm trying it out and it's pretty neat. It's basically just a different interface but using the IE engine. What's neat about it is that it has all those nifty features IE stalwarts like me have been gawking at in the so-called "rebel" browser set like mouse gestures and tabbed browsing, but since it's still the IE engine, everything renders just the way we're used to. It's not perfect, but I'm gonna try it out for a while and see if I want to stick with it. Supposedly it also takes up less RAM than having multiple IE windows open, but I haven't noticed a major difference. The addition of a groups system is neat though as it allows me to load a group of pages all at once. For instance, when I want to check the basketball news, I click on my basketball group and 3 tabs start up that each go to one of the major sports websites. It also has a skins feature but seeing as how there don't appear to be any noteworthy improvements over the default skin (which is a carbon copy of IE6), I haven't messed with that. I'll let you know if it sets my computer on fire or anything like that.
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Tuesday, May 27, 2003
 
My Cookies are stale I think my computer may be a veteran. I was making a post and then suddenly my log-in information wasn't remembered anymore. So I said, oh, the web cookie must've expired. Then I go to forum I visit and it had expired there. Then I go to Worth1000.com and it had expired there. Then I go to another web forum and it had expired there. All the cookies are still there but they all just stopped working at once. For fuck's sake, is my computer trying to observe Memorial Day or something? edit: More interesting mojo. My computer also forgot to change the color of links I clicked today even though it had been doing it all day without problems.
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Watch out for snakes I just feel like making posts. I have nothing to write about though as evidenced by the post below. Hmmm, I was reading some dorky shit about Star Wars and some even dorkier stuff about the Matrix earlier. Boy, it's amazing how devoted people get. I guess the closest I come to devotion is Star Trek, but I don't buy models of Star Trek ships (though Scott did) or fantasize about Star Trek characters (though I assume Scott did). I have been known to have lengthy geek conversations with my friend Kevin about what's wrong with modern Star Trek (as opposed to classic Star Trek, circa 1994, or opposed to neoclassic Star Trek, circa 1998, or opposed to Ionic column Star Trek, circa 1966). I'd give you a link to Kevin's blog, but he doesn't maintain it (though I'm sure someday he'll get back to it just like he promises to get back to those Star Trek scripts he started in 1997 but never finished). The thing I've noticed about these major geek franchises is that you can't read too much without getting an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. All these discussions, even when they come up with brilliant ideas that could save a series, do nothing. Sure, these discussions can be a fun time, but it's like sitting on the nose of the titanic writing Titanic fanfic even though you know the captain won't turn the ship away from the fucking iceberg. AintItCool news had a whole 2 page discussion of George Lucas and Star Wars and I couldn't help but be reminded of all the bashing the Executive Producers of Star Trek get. You could also use the Matrix stuff as an example; yelling about the Matrix Reloaded isn't gonna do shit because they've already filmed Matrix Revolutions. Hell, even if they hadn't filmed it, it's not like your ranting was gonna change something. I mean, I suppose you could argue that George Lucas tried to alter his filmmaking in Attack of the Clones due to the criticism that The Phantom Menace got, but seeing as how he's so resilient against more powerful forces like common sense and good writing, this seems a mild victory. You can't blame people though. Nearly all criticism made online is pointless and accomplishes nothing, but it feels good and it keeps people from running down George Lucas in their cars, so I guess that's a good thing.
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Odd I was gonna post a joke saying that Scott had died in a small fire, but then I realized that all of you would take it seriously and start offering condolences.
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Sunday, May 25, 2003
 
socialworker.reebok.com You've probably already seen this website. It's a bunch of videos of this little 3 year old basketball player who can make basket after basket. He's amazingly strong and accurate. I loved the films; I thought they were great. Then I watched them with audio on: "I am Reebok" "Thank you Reebok." Okay, don't his parents realize how fucking creepy that is? Sure, sell the videos of him to reebok, but do you need to fucking brainwash him into saying "I am Reebok; I am the future of basketball"? That's just so insane and disturbing.
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Thursday, May 22, 2003
 
This be racism Lebron James, high-school basketball phenom who is sure to be the #1 pick of the NBA Lottery tonight, is going to be paid 100 million dollars to wear Nike shoes for 7 years. ... Okay, I've been wearing Nikes for 18 god damned years and they haven't paid me one god damned cent! In fact, they've charged me quite a bit to wear those shoes. What the fuck is that? Both Lebron and I are 18, and both of us will be wearing Nikes for the forseeable future, yet he gets 100 million? And hell, Lebron was wearing Adidas shoes up until a week ago. This has to be anti-semitism. Where's my 100 million?
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Wednesday, May 21, 2003
 
Damned dirty APES I just took my Advanced Placement Environmental Science exam. What a pile of shit this course has been. Every class was behind schedule all year, yet the teachers always had time to start (but never finish) monstrous class projects that wasted hour after hour of freetime without educating the students about anything. We spent the last 2 weeks building dioramas about passive solar technology instead of reviewing for the AP (and there was absolutely nothing about this on the AP test). So then I get into the AP test. It sucks, but I keep on going. I reach the first question, and it's a huge topographical map and the first question asks me to determine the slope between two points. Oh, and here's the kicker, it wanted me to present the number in percentage form. ... okay ... WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What does that have to do with anything!? We looked at exactly zero topographical maps in class; we calculated zero slopes; and we presented exactly zero slopes in percentage form. It's as if the APES course and the APES test were designed by two different groups who not only never spoke to each other, but were from different planets. If I could count how many god damned times we were sticking our arms in dirt or counting beans as part of idiotic projects... And then absolutely none of what we did was on the exam. Not to mention that the course textbooks were incompetently put together. Every topic was filled with 40-page long bulletpoint lists that forced every possible statistic down your throat. No effort was made to distinguish which stupid useless facts were supposed to be memorized and which stupid useless facts were supposed to be ignored. What a fucking waste this year has been.
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Tuesday, May 20, 2003
 
eww Why the fuck am I watching smallville again? This show is just monstrous. This is unwatchable, yet I can't change the channel for fear of having the 24 season finale ruined.
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Monday, May 19, 2003
 
Test My blog won't load for me, so I'm making this test post to see if it'll shake things loose.
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Saturday, May 17, 2003
 
Why are the children always hurt most? A marriage is coming to an end. No, don't look in The Star or other magazines expecting to hear that J-lo and Ben are done or that Brad and Jen are through. My computer and my videocard, happily wed for years, appear to be heading toward an impasse. After years of blissful union, they seem to have opted for the murder-suicide route rather than growing old together in someone's attic. It started with the little things: no cards on valentines day, no shiny new drivers to enhance performance. And then things quickly accelerated to the point that my videocard now randomly throws driver errors at my computer, as if to say "I'm sick of your shit and I don't want to look at you anymore." I attempted to intercede in the hopes of reviving their union; I downloaded new drivers. I've struggled to come up with a metaphor that would describe the results of my driver meddling, but the extremely complicated literary device that follows truly sums up the situation: It was as if, in the hopes of spicing up their marriage and bringing the love back, a husband brought a prostitute home one night for a threesome, but instead of causing sexual reattachment between the lovers, the evening ends with the prostitute's corpse upside down in the bathtub as the wife frantically searches for a hatchet and carpet cleaning supplies. Then, like a wife who claims to have gotten over an affair but deep-down inside wishes her husband's face would explode in an orgy of blood, my computer simply stopped recognizing my video card's existence. I managed to uninstall and reinstall, but I fear that this solution is merely akin to a marriage counselor who, in attempting to encourage greater communication, leaves only bitter recriminations and extended therapy bills. And so I am forced to choose: Do I get a new video card for a computer that I'll be replacing 2 months from now? Or Do I just ignore the problem and ride out the remaining months until college? For now I'll go with option 2 while hoping to scrape together some sort of replacement for the card (perhaps from a friend's pile of delapidated equipment). Hopefully this second marriage will work out better than the first has.
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Friday, May 16, 2003
 
SUPER EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF BETTY FORD! QUICK! Let's all watch this footage of Betty Ford sitting in a car while holding pillows in SLOW MOTION! CHANNEL 2 GIVES YOU EVERY ANGLE OF THIS BREAKING FORD HEALTH SCARE! Let's look at that footage of Betty Ford in a car again! We'd like to remind you that Channel 2 ACTION NEWS will be here covering every facet of Gerald Ford HealthScare 2003 (Presented by Pepsi)
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The following should not be viewed by Republicans or sane people Please don't read anything into the fact that I divided Republicans and sane people into two different groups... okay, read a little bit into it.
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We're the princes of the universe Right after I finished that last post, the Good, The Bad, and The Ugly ended on the American Movie Classics channel. What comes on after Sergio Leone's western masterpiece? "HERE WE ARE, BORN TO BE KINGS, We're the princes of the universe. Here we belong, fighting to survive" That's right. It's Highlander. An American Movie Classic, along with Tales from the Crypt, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, Gidget Goes Hawaiian, Jaws, Predator 2, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Platoon, and The Private Navy of Sgt. O'Farrell starring Bob Hope and Phylis Diller. Wow. What a joke this network is. I mean you know your movie network is in trouble when Ted Turner's the competition and his channel is considered classier.
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I'm tired I'm sleepy. Most of my classes in high school are over and having all this extra free time just seems to have made me even more tired. I'm gonna try to kill some time tonight by shooting nazis online via Return to Castle Wolfenstein for the Xbox. I'll let you know if do well killing that Axis scum. P.S.: As per a viewer's request, I've disabled smileys in the comments section. No one was using them except by accident anyway. Now we won't have any more problems like people typing (Stalin killed a million people in 1938) and instead getting (Stalin killed a million people in 193
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Thursday, May 15, 2003
 
Dear god, kill it! Someone get a torch. I have no idea what it is, but please, someone get a gun and put it out of its misery: Harry Knowles of AintItCool.com
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003
 
Videogames are neato Holy fucking shit. These are the words being repeated by many a geek and casual gamer alike. You see, tommorow marks the official start of the E3 gaming convention. However, a lot of the big news started leaking out a few days ago. Recently some trailers have hit the net. If you've seen a movie trailer, then you understand what a videogame trailer is, but most great videogame trailers show much longer sequences than a spliced up movie trailer. These trailers are just astounding. Some new trailers for the games Halo 2, Doom 3, and Half-Life 2 are out there and ... wow. I mean, I feel like videogaming has crossed some threshhold. Some line in the sand; it's the difference between pixels on a screen and a living breathing world that just happens to be controlled with a joystick. The Half-Life 2 trailers for instance have the obvious beautiful graphics, but most importantly, things happen. What I mean is this. When you or I walk through a room, we can lift up every sheet of paper and kick over the sofa if we want. In the world of videogames this has never been true. Papers on a desk have always been immobile and you sure as hell couldn't stack a chair on top of another chair. But Half-life 2... Wow. I don't want to jibber jabber on and on because most of my visitors here (all 3 of you) don't play videogames, but let me just say that if you click that Windows streaming media link above and wait through about 30 seconds of pointless walking, you'll see some of the crazy shit I'm talking about.
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Sunday, May 11, 2003
 
Email + Copy/Paste + Xmen = New Post I saw X2 with a friend. Pretty good, though we agreed there was a fuckload of exposition. I then read a 34 page forum thread about the X-men universe and came away very pleased with myself for never reading comic books. What a bunch of convoluted horseshit these people read. "Then this guy killed this other guy, but an alien from the future traveled to ancient egypt and met this mutant who can make car stereos form out of mid-air, but then a guy from the past had sex with this girl from the future and they turned into a new group of X-men who were called X-somethingElse but then this other x-man left the X-men and became this other guy and they went into another dimension and battled dracula." Oh, and I didn't make the dracula part up. Apparently the X-men have in fact battled Dracula.
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Friday, May 09, 2003
 
A public service message I can get behind Those dirty foreignors really know how to put together a funny public service message: Download this 3 meg video. Very funny.
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Bush's 2004 election strategy gets more complex As per Asparagirl's request, here is a black President Bush. I'm not thrilled with the end result, but I think the forehead looks nice. Here's a little photoshop commentary for y'all: The White Al Sharpton below was made using Joseph Lieberman's pasty white skin color. The Black President Bush was made using Jesse Jackson's skin as the source material.
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Boredom I got bored and tried to see what Al Sharpton would look like if he were white:
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Thursday, May 08, 2003
 
Another link specifically for Asparagirl You're the only person I know who might find this guide useful.
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This double-agent business goes further than we thought! Picture of the newly arrested chinese spy in the FBI: Picture of Dick Cheney: My god! This goes all the way to the top!
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And another one bites the dust... Uggg. Yet another TV series I invested my time and energy into has been canceled. So let's see, so far I've watched the following shows only to find them canceled before any of the plot arcs could be resolved: Earth 2, John Doe, Earth: Above & Beyond (crap), Early Edition, Time Trax (sorta crap), Farscape, Now & Again, Lois & Clark (really gay), Firefly, and about 16 other shows I can't even remember. So I'll never know who John Doe was, did Devon Adair survive, what the Earth corporations knew about the aliens, why Gary Hobson got that paper, whether Capt. Darien Lambert ever got home, how Earth was connected to the peacekeepers and whether Crichton and Aeryn lived, whether Wiseman's family ever found out who he was, whether Lois & Clark had a baby, who the guys with the blue faces were, and various other mysteries that will remain locked in the skulls of their underfunded creators. Now a lot of the shows I listed above were shit, and a few deserved to be canceled. That doesn't change the fact that even though John Doe beat Fastlane in the ratings every fucking night for a year, Fox chose to keep the show Fastlane over John Doe because they believe their audience is too stupid to follow a recurring plot arch. So now I'll never know who John Doe was. And this isn't like one of those other shows where they might've never solved the big mystery until the final episode. John Doe was unique in that they didn't plan to have the mystery run forever. In fact, according to interviews they were planning on having that aspect of the show all wrapped up by the midway point of the second season. Recap: Fuck you Fox Television, you braindead morons.
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Tuesday, May 06, 2003
 
BEST. EVER. I just watched half of the greatest episode of any TV show ever. "The Scent of Roses." Episode 80 of Knight Rider. Now I admit that I only watched about 4 minutes of this hour-long show, but those four minutes I saw were the greatest minutes of my life. Picture if you will: The surprisingly doughy, huge face of David Hasselhoff screams in slow motion. His very blonde bride is clutched by his arms and is pretending to have been shot even though no blood is visible. Also in slow motion, a dirty man of mediterranean extraction in a suit backs away to start running while Hasselhoff's mighty eyes attempt to cry. Hasselhoff remainds huddled over his slumping bride. A black secret agent jumps over Hasselhoff in slow motion to chase after the shooter. More slow motion. Then even more slow motion. Then a quick running shootout. Then we cut back to Hasselhoff holding his bride on the ground. Her outfit still appears perfectly fine. She tells him to always remember how much she loved him (apparently no one thought to call for medical attention), and as she dies in his arms, Hasselhoff lets out a silent full-body sob from his mighty chest. [I go watch the basketball game for five minutes] An enraged Hasselhoff enters a mechanic's office. The elderly, fat mechanic walks up to meet him, and in what can only be described as the pussiest bout of kickboxing ever, Hasselhoff seems to do a pirouette where the toes of his shoes just barely come into contact with mechanic. Then he pretends to punch the mechanic. It is perhaps the least frightening attempt at intimidation in the history of the world. Gripping the mechanic's face and throat as one might grip a volleyball, Hasselhoff threatens to kill the mechanic. Meanwhile, despite having been kicked in the face twice, punched repeatedly, and nearly strangled, the mechanic looks no worse for the wear, just really sweaty. [I go watch the basketball game for twenty minutes] Hasselhoff on a beach with seagulls flying over head. He attempts to contort his mighty face into a look of melancholy (it is at this point I realize that should I ever try to put together the worst production of Hamlet ever, Hasselhoff is the clear front-runner for the lead role). He walks over to his trusty talking car, KITT. "Where are we going, Michael." (lengthy dramatic pause) Hasselhoff: We're going home, Kitt. We're going home. Hasselhoff drives off into the distance.
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Saturday, May 03, 2003
 
Petition for George Lucas to add "portly" Jedi to next Star Wars film If you download any two files today, let them be the video files available at this site. Please download both because it is almost impossible to determine which is, in fact, the greater work. There is little that can be said here without spoiling the joy that is these films. Please enjoy them and then spread their brilliance to others.
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X-men brand veterinary service: Declawing available for both pets and mutants Okay, I already knew that X2 was going to make 430 bajillion dollars at the box-office. I knew this because of the movie's geeky following and because it's supposedly really good and has lots of fun action. But then it became clear that the studio involved was more than a little adamant that the film have a huge opening day. X-men advertising is everywhere. The NBA's website has a cross-promotional deal where they write stupid little stories about which NBA player would be which X-man; Baskin Robbins has a new X-men "storm" ice-cream swirl; and they've even got car commercials out there for a new car "As seen in the movie X2: X-men United." That last ad was certainly interesting because the damned film wasn't out yet, so I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to have seen the car in the film. Thus as another experiment in mirth making, I'm going to try to come up with other inappropriate comic-book cross-promotional deals: Fantastic Four Condoms: Fit anyone whether they're made of massive rocks or stretched as thin as a rubber band. Batman Deoderant: Bats may be sightless, but wearing all that tight leather while fighting crime can lead to an odor that even a bat will smell. Superman Learn to Fly kit: Find out if you're a fellow lost sun of krypton by donning the included cape and jumping off the roof. Cyclops's personal cold sore remover service: One blast from his optic charge and your face will be clean, smooth, and ready for the night-life (some healing time required after procedure). I apologize for not going any further, but unlike Asparagirl, I'm not a big dork who likes to read "graphic novels."
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Thursday, May 01, 2003
 
I'm a god damned genius I just realized something. I'm a damn well-grounded person. I've had a cold this past week. Damn near everyone at my school has had a cold this week. I'm just now getting over mine. Yet at no point during this cold did I ever for even the tiniest moment think to myself, "Oh no! What if I have SARS!?!" All over the world, people are stubbing their toes and immediately looking up their symptoms to see whether they have SARS. But here I am, in a big city, surrounded by coughing students and I never even suspected. Clearly, I'm media literate and a brilliant beacon for the future. PS: If I end up dead from SARS in a few days, boy will my face be red!
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