| Scott's Blog | Asparagirl's Blog   My Archives Kevin's Blog | Random Link |
Siguy's Blog

Monday, June 30, 2003
 
Decisions, decisions, incisions... I'm having trouble picking what gift to give Scott and Asparagirl for their nuptials. My mother told me to use the Tiffany's registry (insert "la-dee-dah!" comment here), but I can't figure out whether to buy them the "Tiffany Palm Cream Pitcher" for $75 or the "Tiffany Palm Open Vegetable Bowl" for $85. On the one hand, the cream pitcher is ten dollars cheaper, but on the other hand, they're both pointless and stupid. Neither Scott nor Brooke can cook as far as I can tell, so all this elaborate dinner ware seems wasted on people who would rather go out and burn their tongues off with pakistani food. Rather than buying from the approved list, I've decided to find my own tasteful gift for them, such as one of those ties with the picture of a naked lady on it and little red lights where her nipples should be. Unfortunately, only Brooke would get any use out of that. PS: During the course of making this post, I accidently kicked our dog. These are the sort of sacrifices I make to keep you, my loyal reader, entertained.
|


Sunday, June 29, 2003
 
Basketball Almanac, here I come! You'll all be glad to know that I'm now 3 and 1 (3 wins, 1 loss) when it comes to playing HORSE against 5 foot tall girls with metal plates in their shoulders. That'll teach her to come into my house acting all high and mighty! Some might try to diminish the significance of my wins because she can't lift her arms over her head due to the metal pins in her arm, but I let my record speak for itself.
|

 
And the winner is... I have an award to give out. It's the award for most fucked up Newsgroup ever. The winner is: alt.sex.fetish.hamsters.duct-tape I don't even wanna know what they do with the duct tape.
|


Saturday, June 28, 2003
 
Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle Okay, so here's the new site. I hate every inch of it except for the black bar on top, which I think looks rather snazzy. As for the title (le blog), I have no idea. I originally just wanted to write Blog on the top because I felt silly writing out the site's title, but then I thought that just blog by itself was pretentious. Of course, if you're going to take the pretentious route, you might as well go full bore, hence the additional "le" which I assume is french for "the," though for all I know it means "pig anus."
|

 
Quick non-color news Archives are down temporarily while I work on the redesign. I'm going with a very simple design that utilizes a rather questionable color scheme, but it should be done by the end of the night.
|

 
It's free Redesigning this site is slow work. So far I've accomplished the following: 1. I watched an australian man yell at people. That's all my progress so far. You see, I used to love this html program called 1st Page 2000. It was free and it was fantastic. It's been about 3 years now, and its developer(s) still hasn't released a new version. As far as I can tell, he's a drunk australian (well, I told you he's australian, so I suppose the drunk part was superfluous), and rather than developing the program, he just ignores the hundreds of people who ask him about it before occasionly yelling at them for losing faith. I also discovered that there are now about 400 different programs that are exactly like 1st Page 2000 in appearance. I was gonna try one, but it looked all icky and poopy, so now I'm gonna try another. I'll let you know if it makes my computer explode.
|

 
Darker Humor This time I don't mean dark as in twisted, I mean dark as in it's so stupid and dense that light cannot escape its bounds. Ren & Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon is part of TNN/Spike TV's new lineup. It is awful. I don't mean that some people like it and some don't like it; I mean it is awful. Bad, bad, bad, bad. I was visiting a web forum and everyone was excited that Ren & Stimpy was returning, and as soon as the show aired, the whole place turned into a mass of weeping angry people. Such is the effect of this new show on its devoted fans (though I have to imagine it's not too hard to make people who spend all their free time discussing cartoons weep). The original Ren & Stimpy is not very good. I used to think it was great, but upon reinspecting it years later, I learned that it was mostly just gross with the occasional moment or episode that was so good you nearly vomited laughing. The new show also makes you want to vomit, but not in a good way. It's just gross. That's it. No smart humor, nothing clever. Just pictures of people eating spit and phlegm and then some pictures of people with skin conditions emitting even more disturbing substances. It's bad. So mindless and stupid that adding the word "Adult" to the title (Ren & Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon) is really quite laughable because only a 5 year old could find this amusing. As for the rest of TNN's new lineup: Gary the Rat: It was okay. I kind of enjoyed it. Stripperella: Finally a show for fourteen year olds who are too stupid to find porn on the internet.
|


Friday, June 27, 2003
 
Dark Humor Have you ever heard of the category of humor known as black humor or black comedy? Well I thought I knew what it was, but then I saw Dead Like Me on showtime. It's not the best show I've seen, and there are a lot of things wrong with it in my opinion, but it's the damned definition of dark humor. Compare these two examples of black comedy: In the dismal and terrible film Very Bad Things, Dark Humor meant people getting killed every two seconds in horribly graphic ways and no one cared. In Dead Like Me, Dark Humor means the grim reaper has a day job as a meter maid and won't deliver you to heaven until she's filled her quota. Oh yeah, and people die all over the place, but even at its most fleeting, death is still treated with more respect than it was in Very Bad Things. I'm suspicious of the show's future, but it's part of a continuing trend of good shows that have something in common. CSI, The Dead Zone, and now Dead Like Me are good shows but they're pushed over the edge by modern special effects. In the old days, a TV show with good special effects meant the TV show had lots of explosions; now it means lots of well-done computer generated effects and camera angles that give a new look and feel you couldn't achieve years before. CSI is probably the best example in the sense that it's a crime drama, just like every other god damned crime drama, except it's set apart by the special effects technique that allows it to be fresh.
|

 
Pardon my Dust So long as I have another month or two left to my summer, I'm considering totally redesigning this page. Right now it's basically just the original template slightly modified, and I was quite satisfied with its appearance until I visited a Christian Fundamentalist blog that looked exactly the same.
|


Thursday, June 26, 2003
 
Strom Thurmond has died at 100 years of age WHY DO THE GOOD ALWAYS DIE SO YOUNG?!?! Take me instead, Lord. TAKE ME INSTEAD!!! /end scene
|

 
Yay for Gay Sodomy! Considering the fact that I have the typical macho guy reaction of finding the thought of homosexual male sex disgusting, it's amazing how excited and happy I am that the Supreme Court overruled the gay sodomy laws. Here's a fun excerpt from CNN.com's article: Robert Knight, a spokesman for the conservative Culture and Family Institute, said Thursday's ruling would have "very real consequences." Knight warned that it would undermine the legal foundation of marriage, lead to more deaths among gay men from sexually transmitted diseases and lead to schoolchildren being taught "that homosexual sodomy is he same as marital sex." "This is social engineering by a court. It will have very bad effects on the idea of our republican form of government," Knight said. "If a government like Texas cannot legislate on public health, safety and morals, what can it legislate about?" I bet if CNN hadn't turned the microphone off, he would've gone on to blame gay sex for autism and that black lint you get between your toes after you wear socks.
|

 
Hello new Blogger Whenever Asparagirl gives a link to me out on her site, I like to write up a fun little piece to show any new visitors what this pathetic blog would be like if I actually invested time into any individual entry. Unfortunately Blogger chose that day to "migrate" my blog to their newer system. So far the only difference between their old system and the new system is that the new system uses blue coloring and shifted a couple of buttons to the right. It's a brave new world.
|


Sunday, June 22, 2003
 
No more traveling! Thank god I'm done traveling. Now I don't have to go on any more flights (they tire me out); I don't have to share any more hotel rooms with Scott (he gets grabby in bed); and I don't have to sit between my grandmothers and my mother (they gossip endlessly without ever finishing one topic before zooming off onto the next). Now I can settle down to my relaxing summer schedule which includes these laid-back activities: Moving to Berkeley. Having oral surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. ... uggg
|


Saturday, June 21, 2003
 
No Updates Today Once again I shall be forced to travel so there shall be no updates today (Saturday, I think). Though I guess technically this is an update. I always feel queer addressing "my audience" because I know it only consists of 15 or 16 people who view the site because they know Scott or Asparagirl. PS: You should all become friends with me and ditch those losers. I actually update my blog, whereas I overheard Asparagirl say the other day that she "hates all the damn queers, kikes, niggers, spiks, zipper-heads, and guidos" who read her blog. I think she mentioned polish people too, but it's hard to understand her when she's drunk.
|


Thursday, June 19, 2003
 
What I hate about Ann Coulter... Sure, I hate her boundless ability to lie and the way she makes horrible comments suggesting she wouldn't mind executing everyone who disagrees with her, but what I really hate is that anyone buys her books. Just read through the garbage on the drudgereport page. I can't imagine why any right-minded conservative would purchase her self-congratulatory drivel. This isn't like a liberal buying one of Al Franken's books and chuckling at some of the extreme comments he makes; this is like hearing someone compare Tom Daschle to Stalin and then nodding your head in agreement. I've heard several explanations for why she is the way she is, but I don't really care; what I want to know is why anyone is buying her books. You can recreate the experience of buying one of her books by just repeating "liberals are treacherous lying traitors who should be shot" over and over again until your head explodes. Where's the audience for this? When I hear someone compare Bush to Hitler, I roll my eyes and walk away. When she claims McCarthyism is a myth designed to protect traitors, people ask her when her next book is coming out.
|

 
So very, very confused Dancing William Shatners. Dozens of dancing Shatners all wearing white while bathed in a heavenly glow. In the center a housewife or perhaps a working woman on the go dances with them to irish jig music. The commercial is for Crest Tooth Night Effects Whitening gel. So very, very confused.
|

 
Biding my time I'm in the somewhat slow period of my life between high school graduation and the start of college so I'm just sitting around the house. My old friend Taylor came over and we tried to play horse with the basketball hoop outside. It was perhaps the most pathetic display of shooting skills ever. Sadly, we split the two games we played when I know I could've won the first if I'd only stopped going for the showy distance shots. I suppose I can't really gloat about my victory because Taylor is about 9 feet shorter than me and has had so much surgery done on her shoulder that it's a major achievement for her to be able to lift her keys. I had planned to stir up some wild controversy (and hits) before I left for San Francisco (AGAIN!) by insulting or contradicting Asparagirl, but her site seems to be down and rarely updated, so I can only assume that she died in a small fire and her server committed ritual seppuku out of respect. You may ask how I can omnisciently declare that the fire was small. It's true that this is a perhaps overly specific explanation for her site's disappearance, but the only other logical explanation would be that she was eaten by her cats, and I'm told they are far too small to commit to such a meal without access to ample freezer space. PS: For those who don't know what seppuku is, it's the same as hara-kiri. PSS: For those who don't know what hara-kiri is, he used to be the announcer for the Chicago Cubs.
|


Wednesday, June 18, 2003
 
I plan to sue Wesley Snipes (edit) Based on the recent injunction granted to Spike Lee to stop the TNN television network from changing their name to Spike TV, it's clear that I must now sue Wesley Snipes. As I'm sure you'll remember, Wesley Snipes is an actor and occasional vampire who starred in the 1993 hit movie Demolition Man. In that movie he played a character named Simon, an irreverent serial killer who laughed and chuckled as he maimed his victims. This is a clear rip-off of my own persona and I don't want to be associated with someone who chuckles. I can only assume my lawsuit will succeed because no one I have ever known personally has ever referred to Spike Lee as merely Spike and I never for a moment even remembered that he existed while watching the pathetic promos for Spike TV, so I feel that my case holds just about as much merit. Frankly, I have trouble understanding how Spike Lee can feel that he's trademarked the word spike because I don't really associate him with the word and it already has several other sports and flavor-related meanings that are clearly what Spike TV was ineptly trying to project with their name. But I'm sure someone will tell me I'm wrong. If I remember correctly one of you readers is a pretty smart lawyer who explained to me an issue involving disney copyrights, so I'm interested to see if anyone in the comment section can explain to me why Spike Lee owns the word spike. edit: Great, I gave a link to the imdb Demolition Man site and never bothered to make sure Dennis Rodman was actually the actor in the film. Turns out it was Wesley Snipes, though I think we can all agree that Dennis Rodman would've been great in Demolition Man since all the role required him to do was act crazy and he didn't even need cameras rolling to do that. Thanks to Andrew for the correction.
|


Tuesday, June 17, 2003
 
Guns don't kill people, The Internet kills people I'm back from San Francisco carrying with me the most uneven tan in the history of the world. I was allowed to cook for 4 hours in the hot sun while a tiny speck in the distance that I'm told was my sister was allowed to graduate from Stanford. I visited Berkeley and quite enjoyed the place. If you were to rank the great indoctrinators of all time, Berkeley's spirit coordinators would rank just slightly ahead of the communists. In fact, I hope that China never studies Berkeley because if they could figure out marching band music, all of Asia and Europe would be under the commie flag by nightfall. Oh, and now back to the title of this post: I spent the day shooting people in the videogame world and emerged onto the internet to find the web forum I frequent unavailable. Via the twisty, turny tunnels of IRC chatrooms I discovered that the site was down because the admin had been threatened over the phone by a man reputed to be of hispanic ancestry. The man of hispanic ancestry apparently did this because a member of the forum had hand-delivered a picture of a man's gaping anus to his door. The forum member delivered a picture of a gaping man's anus to the hispanic man's door because the hispanic man's own webforum, which is devoted to finding other forums and insulting them, had attempted to come to the first admin's forum to cause problems. Somewhere along the line the cops were called. Now apparently no one was injured, but I'm left wondering, has anyone ever been killed over an argument started on the internet?
|


Thursday, June 12, 2003
 
Last minute musing I'm going to be in San Francisco for a few days and unlike some people and asparagae, I like to update my blog with some level of frequency. Thus I am making this last-minute musing before I go to sleep because I won't be able to update the blog for a few days (errr, maybe I will be but I'm unsure). Here's the musing: It would be incredibly easy to take the famous song about Diarrhea and change the lyrics to make it a song about Gonorrhea. So instead of ... "When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, DIARRHEA (CHORUS) DIARRHEA..." ...you'd have... "When there's a burning in your pee and you've been sleeping with Pamela Lee, GONORRHEA (CHORUS) GONORRHEA..." Oddly enough, when I sang this to the girl I was sitting next to during graduation, she seemed quite offended.
|


Sunday, June 08, 2003
 
Cursive handwriting sucks CNN wants me to bemoan the impending death of cursive. Well screw that. All the people in the article talking about what a sad thing it would be to see cursive go are full of shit. Sure, everyone knows people who only write in cursive, but all this talk about how it's a more elegant or more beautiful script form is bull. I've known plenty of people who write in cursive and most of them write illegibly. Typing is clearly better and all this talk about how it isn't special is crap. Special? All that illegible swirling garbage is special? You teach 600 kids cursive and you're gonna end up with half of them forgetting it, most of the other half writing illegibly, and then a couple of people who write it perfectly. It's a stupid worthless script that we should've stopped teaching years ago. edit: An additional comment. I have no problem with people wanting to learn and use cursive, I just see no good reason why it should be a mandatory 3rd grade course.
|


Saturday, June 07, 2003
 
Will sleep in library for food Well, I'm officially between schools. I spent yesterday graduating and then spent 6 pm to 6 am with my entire class. Some Thoughts: These kids today like their music too loud. Jesus fucking god was the music loud. Not just loud, but inescapable. And apparently modern DJ etiquette states that there may be no silence or reduction in sound between songs; before the last song can taper off, the next song has to start so that the ear drums can't get even a moment of rest. After the dancing and gambling (which I got to do very little of because 300 people is too much for 6 blackjack tables), we went into the IMAX theater and I realized that I had never experienced true loudness. If the tremendous sound of the earlier party music could cause ear drum damage, then the hour-long music-packed IMAX concert footage we watched was roughly equivalent to having your ear drums raped by 2 burly men. Then back onto the buses and off to the Ontario Pines outlet mall to spend 5 hours playing free videogames at the Gameworks. This event also had a DJ and loud, ever-present music. The DJ here was also very similar to the DJ at the earlier party in that he never shut up and several times made me wish for the sweet embrace of death. Every ten seconds he was shouting something inane like "SHAKE YOUR BOOTY! SHAKE YOUR BOOTY! Come on, which girls here wanna shake their booty!" And since the speaker system was hooked up all over the arcade, everywhere you went the already loud sound of hundreds of arcade machines was complemented by the blaring music and his screams. I won't forget one particular moment though. The evening was ending and so everyone was saying good-bye to each other, which meant that it was time for the mopey sad songs. So I'm sitting there in the Star Wars Arcade machine shooting wave-after-wave of Tie Fighters, and blaring over the speakers is this song with lyrics like "You always had a shoulder to cry on!" and "I'll never forget you..." All I could think about were the wives and friends of all the tie-fighter pilots I was killing and how they would probably play shit like this at their group funerals (because really, are you gonna have 200 separate funerals for a bunch of clones whose bodies were burnt beyond recognition in space?).
|


Thursday, June 05, 2003
 
A letter Dear Person who I was driving behind on the way home from school, Thank you for turning what should've been a 20 second drive down a residential street into a minute-long orgy of indecisive terror and slow rolling menace. Most people see a speed bump and simply slow down, but that's only because they've never seen your brilliant system of coming to a deadstop at the side of the speed bump and then suddenly lurching ahead violently. I must assume that you were trying to follow the technique whereby to avoid the impact of a speedbump, the driver goes to the side of the road so that half his car is on the speed bump and the other half is safely crushing a neighbor's finely groomed yard. Now this is already a pretty sketchy and ineffective way to handle speedbumps, but I'm afraid your strategy fails in even more extreme ways. You see, by slowing down so much that you're essentially stopped on the side of the road, you do a few things: 1) You waste your own time by not simply driving slowly over the speed bump. 2) You terrify me by making me believe you're looking for a parking space before you suddenly speed forward at 70 miles per hour back into the middle of the lane and over the speed bump you previously tried to avoid. Hopefully you understand the problem here. You're slowing down to avoid a speed bump but then at the last minute you don't avoid it and in fact cross over it at just under the speed of sound. In the future if you'd please kill yourself so that I never have to drive behind your tiny honda death car, I'd be very appreciative.
|


Wednesday, June 04, 2003
 
Martha, Martha, Martha! Bye bye real news! Hello Martha-ville. It's gonna be a fun week, so let's get on with the predictions: Every latenight show on the planet will make some horrible joke about her demonstrating how to make a shiv on her Martha Stewart Living show. Despite talk to the contrary, a no-jail-time deal will be made between Martha and the feds a few months from now. A kitten will be born who shall be savior to us all. And so ends my weekly predictions thread. Bonus Prediction: I'm going to go take a shower.
|

 
Worst beginning to a CNN/Reuters article ever? The following is taken unedited from CNN: "LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Veteran singer-songwriter Barry Manilow, recently waking up disoriented in the middle of the night, walked into a wall and broke his nose, knocking himself unconscious, the entertainer disclosed on Tuesday. The accident occurrent at his home in the desert resort of Palm Springs, California, just after Manilow had returned from a two-week stay in the seaside town of Malibu, where he was producing an upcoming album for his old boss, Bette Midler." Wow. Besides the obvious spelling error I was quite impressed by the way the first sentence meanders all over the place with rambling phrase after phrase after phrase.
|


Monday, June 02, 2003
 
Excerpt from my dream log The following is taken from my dream log, a text file I started a few months ago to catalogue my dreams. Unfortunately there are only four or so entries in the dream log because I rarely remember my dreams. Here's my most recent nocturnal diversion: 5/31/2003 I try to negotiate a peace treaty between the cats (represented by my cat marco) and this weird species of butterfly type animals. I hold the negotiation in my red chair room but things go awry when Rosita [our maid] enters the room and kills the butterfly leader. We quickly forgive her somewhat-accidental homicide and mourn the butterfly thing. It appears that at this point in the dream, the butterfly thing was from an incredibly rare species; perhaps it was the last of its kind. This raises questions because why would the cats agree to peace negotiations with a species so close to extinction that there was only one left? Seeing as the maid killed the thing so easily, clearly my cats were making a tactical error and should've pressed their attack further.
|


Sunday, June 01, 2003
 
They can put a man on the moon... but they can't explain why this bird has a gigantic penis. It looks like the Bush Administration plans to repeat the mistakes of the past by setting side exactly zero dollars for the study of bird genitalia.
|

Site Meter This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?
Produced with loving hands by Chinese Laborers ©.