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Thursday, July 31, 2003
 
Courage in the face of ... nothing Here's an excerpt from a CNN article about Bush's recent comments about gay marriage: "'The president has taken a courageous stand in favor of traditional marriage at a moment in American history when the courts are conspiring with anti-family extremists to undermine our nation's most vital institution,' said the Rev. Louis Sheldon, chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition." Let's look at the definition of courage: The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery. Yeah, it was really brave of Bush to come out against gay marriage. Lord knows the pro-gay-marriage lobby is incredibly powerful and has decided 9 out of 10 of the most recent presidential elections. They should give him an award for taking such an unpopular stand ... except, wait, it's not an unpopular stand. Even Al Gore was against gay marriage in the last election. Fuck those attention-mongering firefighters; Bush is the guy with real courage.
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Monday, July 28, 2003
 
More wacky news Don't ever let someone tell you that the Koran isn't a living, breathing document that isn't able to change with the times: Men in Malaysia can now divorce their wives using text messaging on their cell phone if they determine that their wives are "surplus to requirements."
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For the family on the cheap Please don't buy your children used cloth diapers from ebay. I don't care if the seller promises there are "no stains" and that the diapers are from a smoke free home.
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Sunday, July 27, 2003
 
It's adorable except for the inappropriate gropings Here's a story about a 7 year old addicted to porn. I didn't find the story all that shocking until it said he had a neighbor who slept in the nude without closing her shades (ala your average Penthouse Forum letter). Once again I pay the price for living in a large house with many trees by every window.
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Friday, July 25, 2003
 
When did Stan Lee go senile? Not only did Stan Lee create the stupid and mildly offensive Stripperella for Spike TV, he now is going to create another show about scantily clad women fighting crime: Get ready for Hugh Hefner's SuperBunnies. How big a market does Stan Lee think there is for this sort of shit?
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Unthinkable! How could a couple this perfect for each other break up? When will Liza find true love?
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VH1's top 200 pop culture icons The Osbournes are ahead of Harrison Ford and Robert De Niro. Someone needs to die.
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Thursday, July 24, 2003
 
My mouth is full of gauze and blood My wowwer wip izstill num from novacaiaiane. My mowth is all uuzy with blud.
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Wednesday, July 23, 2003
 
If I should die before I wake... Just letting you all know that tommorow I'll be very busy having my wisdom teeth out and signing up for classes at Berkelely online.
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Please tell me what's what, TV Guide Over the years I've grown to hate TV Guide. I just hate every insipid article and every stupid cover story they feature. Do we really need a TV Guide 50 greatest TV Guide Covers issue? Or a TV Guide 50 greatest uses of the toilet on TV issue? They're also very fond of yelling things at you as if you disagreed with them: You know, I was just saying to myself, I should remember Star Trek because Stargate SG-1 isn't the biggest hit in sci-fi. But then thankfully TV Guide plastered this on their covers complete with exclamation points so that they might correct my ignorance. Please don't gather from this that I don't like Stargate SG-1. I've been watching Stargate SG-1 since it first aired as a Showtime series promising hardcore nudity and laser blasts. Thankfully, the producers must've managed to convince Showtime that naked women were a very confusing addition to what was clearly a PG (or at worst PG-13) show. Besides that, there's more money in syndication of a PG show than a show full of nudity. And frankly, I do like Stargate SG-1 more than anything Star Trek has done in years. It's just that, Stargate is like a workhorse. I remember reading the interviews with the writing staff that GateWorld (a fan site) put up. They have such a standardized and well-oiled writing process that very little slips through the cracks. This leads to a very consistent level of quality on the show. It also means that it's somewhat rare to find a truly great episode. The show doesn't force a lot of intellectual leaps on its viewers. Those who call the show dumb or compare it to the sort of syndicated garbage that passes for scifi nowadays are being elitist, but there's a lot of truth to the fact that this isn't smart scifi. The writers do a very impressive job of creating longterm story arcs, but the simple fact is that few of them are actually planned. When you read about how their writing process works, it seems that half of the major plot developments that have occurred in the series 7 year run have all been things that were pitched to punch up specific episodes. So I guess what I'm saying is that I like Stargate SG-1 a great deal but I am rather disappointed that there's so little smart scifi out there anymore. Even my beloved baby, The Dead Zone, is being diminished as network executives have scolded the prodcuers for using continuing story arcs and asked that they focus more on stand-alone episodes. PS: I would like to make one comment. Richard Dean Anderson screwed up his career with that mullet. Even as a 100% straight man, I have to say this is a very handsome gentlemen who could've likely been making many a lady swoon, if only he hadn't spent the first 10 years of his career covered in 6 pounds of hair. PSS: The only bad thing about Stargate not sticking to the original combination of lighthearted nonviolent action and gratuitous nudity is that it robbed male viewers of the chance to see Amanda Tapping naked. Double PSS: If you're a fan of the line of books made by the creators of the original film, don't give me this crap about how you hate SG-1 because it polluted the brilliance of the original film. I really don't care.
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Tuesday, July 22, 2003
 
A joke I hear Uday and Qusay Hussein got a new car: In related news, I don't care too much. The media has tried to make a big deal out of this. I agree it's a victory and nobody should miss these murderous bastards, but forgive me for not dancing because two guys whose names sound like long-lost days of the week are dead.
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Tour De Photoshop I have made a little photoshop from an image of the tour de france (an event started by frenchmen so that they could destroy their own testicles sitting on bikeseats while simultaneously confusing American viewers): Click here to view.
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Monday, July 21, 2003
 
The daily jumble I haven't made a new post in a while. I've been busy playing a Star Wars game. I wish I could say that you, my scant readers, were more important to me than a non-existent jedi named Mr. Tibbs, but that just isn't true. I'm going through my backlog of TV shows right now. I missed several because of Mr. Tibbs' adventures but my old friend Tivo saved them for me. I still enjoy Showtime's Dead Like Me, but I've also noticed that it isn't really a series. At least not yet anyway. I just have trouble imagining what this show does beyond the first season. In a lot of ways it kind of feels like a book in the sense that there is no adventure of the week to carry the series along, but things do happen. Next week looks more promising though. I'm really in full sloth mode now and I've almost stopped waking up entirely. I really don't see what the big deal about a coma is. It doesn't sound half bad to me. When you think about it, a coma must provide a tremendous amount of dull consistency, and really, isn't that what we all want out of life?
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Thursday, July 17, 2003
 
Scheduling Here's my schedule for next Thursday: 8 AM. Wake up and get all washed up. 10:30 AM. Have my wisdom teeth removed. ... Some time later that day, sign up for my Berkeley classes while under the influence of painkillers. This is gonna be great.
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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
 
Nice Try, Pat Pat Robertson claims his new "prayer offensive" is to ask god to convince 3 [liberal] Supreme Court justices to retire. Bullshit. He's asking God to kill them. You don't single out people with health conditions and hope they leave the bench unless you're talking about people dying. What a piece of shit this guy is.
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Monday, July 14, 2003
 
Media Scott wanted to know why no one was covering the events in Tehran. Though I have no idea what those events in Tehran he speaks of are (I even tried looking at google news for upwards of 2 seconds!), I know why they're not covering them. Well why should they cover something happening in Tehran when they can instead spend 4 hours talking to "legal experts" about the Kobe Bryant sexual assault case even though no one being interviewed on the show has any real facts to add and no one anywhere in the world of journalism has been able to add anything concrete during the past 2 weeks. Oh, and I don't expect Scott to respond and explain the Tehran thing to me. He was killed yesterday by some Nigerian guy. Friendly chap. About 6 feet tall and very handy with a machete. Thankfully, this means I don't have to pretend to work on my wedding toast anymore.
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I'm waiting for a remake of Citizen Kane EVIL I'm watching the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie right now on TV and it's still great fun, even with that whiny bitch singing about her son Charlie for 10 minutes (literally: "Cheer Up, Charlie..." but sung so that she lingers on the name Charlie for at least 20 seconds). And it's gonna be made by Tim Burton!? And it's produced by Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? Is it gonna be a dark and gothic movie where 6 sentient apes try to live in New York city as friends while solving the crimes of a sadistic serial killer?
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Special Delivery The LA Clippers are a fantastically bad basketball team. They also aren't very classy: Here's an excerpt from an article explaining how they informed their current basketball coach that he was being replaced: "How did outgoing Clips coach Dennis Johnson find out that Mike Dunleavy was going to succeed him [as coach]? Johnson had Dunleavy's contract inadvertently slipped under his hotel door. Both were staying at the same hotel for the L.A. Summer League. As only they can do, the Clips botched the delivery..." Man those guys suck.
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Friday, July 11, 2003
 
Small Towns Well, I was pretty devastated when I first found out Kobe Bryant, my favorite athlete, might in fact be a scumbag rapist, but there's a little silver lining under every ominous cloud of acid rain and death. I'm now more familiar with a little place called Eagle County. That's where Kobe was arrested, and as the local "Speakout!" newspaper says: "The Kobe Bryant story is the hottest news to hit Eagle County since the Gondola fell in 1976." Dear lord is this a small town. I have to question why the world-class surgeons Kobe Bryant was visiting decided to set up shop here. Do that many of the local elderly white residents need arthoscopic knee surgery? My favorite part is reading the local papers complaining about the Sheriff and District Attorney who have now been thrust into the spotlight by this incident. Both seem mildly incompetent but when they're discussed by the local papers, it's as if the presidency of the United States is being talked about. Thrill as the local Vail news reports that local police officers don't like the way Sheriff Roy talks! Weep as you learn that local Deputy District Attorneys confide that the DA only got the job because the competition was weak! This is exactly why I can't ever leave the big city. I already have enough problems taking city politics seriously and I live in a city with a 1 billion dollar budget. Now imagine if I had to try to care about podunk city USA and the big debate over farm tract alignments.
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Would you like to save? I had two new posts for the site but both times I accidently clicked the wrong button and the page started to change. Luckily, Blogger would pop up a message saying "Do you want to save this post? Click OK" So I clicked OK. Of course, I have no idea where it saved the messages to and I can't find them anywhere. My assumption is that Blogger didn't mean it wanted to save the messages as text-files, but rather to save the messages from me, much like a rescue agency saving a battered woman from her angry spouse. It's good to know that somewhere out there they're safe and getting the help they need.
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Thursday, July 10, 2003
 
Funk I'm in a kind of funk. School's out and I'm just laying around the house. Normally I love this. The thing is, now it's like I'm on a schedule: 1:00 PM - Wake up and then go back to sleep 2:30 PM - Wake up for real and debate whether to shower or eat breakfast/lunch 3:00 PM - Watch TV while eating. 3:30 PM - Browse the internet. Visit same 6 websites over and over and over again hoping they update. 5:30 PM - Dinner 6:15 PM - Watch TV and browse internet 7:00 PM - Spend 30 minutes pretending to play basketball 9:00 PM - I finally stop sweating from the basketball exertion. 9:01 PM - Watch television and look for updates on the same six webpages. 12:00 AM - Watch TV in bed for about 9 hours before falling asleep. REPEAT I think the actual problem is that I now use a better web browser that let's me open everyone website I visit at once. This means that whereas before I'd visit a page, then try to remember where I was going next, then visit another page; I know basically finish my web browsing in 6 minutes time.
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Wednesday, July 09, 2003
 
News Flash! Britney Spears is not a virgin. The shocking new news is that Britney Spears is not a virgin. In other breaking news, smoking is not good for you and the icebergs have receded allowing small mammals to evolve into more advanced species of primate.
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Monday, July 07, 2003
 
You know, for kids! Here's a link to the Photoshop Project I mentioned in the below post: Clicky Here.
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So very, very funny Okay, I was putting together a photoshop project that requires a cartoon prostitute. So I ran a search in Google Image Search for "animated prostitute." Here are the search results: Click Here.
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Sunday, July 06, 2003
 
One more thing about T3 Here's one more comment about this year's sci-fi blockbuster Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I don't think these are spoilers, but read at your own risk. I think that the new Terminator, also known as Sally McBoobs, is a real step-back in terminator designs. The T-X is like the T-1000 in that it uses liquid metal, but it has an endoskeleton like the T-800 (but smaller). See, in Terminator 3, the T-X gets hurt. I mean, things hit it and it smashes into things and it gets hurt. Yeah, it has a flamethrower and shit in its arm and the T-1000 only had blades, but for god's sake, the T-1000 was damned near invincible. Why go from invincible to pretty tough when the tradeoff is a couple of weapons that the T-X only uses like 2 times in the film. Frankly, I expected more from Skynet. PS: I hope Harlan Ellison doesn't sue me for using the word "sci-fi." PSS: Yeah, he sued me. PSSS: We settled out of court. I have to add his name to the html credits of my site and pay him 3 million dollars. PSSSS: Apparently he claims to have created html and now he's suing me for that too.
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Friday, July 04, 2003
 
Dear god it has breasts! I was watching Space Jam earlier tonight. It's that film with Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes. It's actually not bad, though watching it again as an adult I realized it truly is a kids movie with a lot of roll-your-eyes-because-that-was-so-stupid moments. I had been thinking about cartoons because the new Looney Tunes film looks so unspeakably awful. Nothing makes you feel better about a horrible concept like the one in this film than watching the trailer and not finding one amusing joke. Not to mention that adding Brendan Fraser and Jenna Elfman to the cast seems almost random (though I'm beginning to think Brendan Fraser has starred with more one-dimensional animated co-stars than any other actor: The Mummy, Ape from George of the Jungle, Monkeybone, Bugs Bunny, and Adam Sandler). Now you probably thought I added the word breasts to the title of this post to get attention. For shame! Rewatching Space Jam, I was incredibly disturbed by the character of "Lola Bunny." She is a pointless addition to the Looney Tunes stable, who is quite terrifying. The only thing worse than watching an animated rabbit with breasts wear short-shorts is hearing Roger Ebert describe her as "sexy." Not to mention that she kisses Bugs Bunny a bit too enthusiastically. She's part of a long train of really creepy cartoon characters. Betty Boop is easily the worst example, with most of her cartoons bordering on pornography. Jessica Rabbit was also upsetting, but at least she wasn't an actual rabbit as her name would suggest. But beyond the fact that Lola Bunny is an incredibly disturbing rabbit with breasts (okay, now I am just using the word to get attention), she represents a horrible part of the movie-going experience. Clearly she was added because some producer looked at Space Jam and said "Boy, we have Michael Jordan and a bunch of animated characters playing basketball ... clearly we need a perfunctory love story!" Everything has to have a romantic angle to it in movies. EVERYTHING! You cannot believe how hard Hollywood tries to convince the average five year old that they need to find their true love by age six or it's all over. As a nine-year-old, I was greatly upset by watching child actors fret and worry about their true love Susie-Jane on the big screen during every kids film I saw. I kept thinking to myself, "How am I supposed to find my future wife in Elementrary school when I'm already so busy figuring out who to give my extra Kudos chocolate bar to during lunch?" That's a lot of pressure to put on a little kid! Most twenty-year-olds can't even handle that sort of pressure and just marry the first idiot they meet *COUGH*SCOTT&BROOKE*COUGH*). The cliche of love at first sight is bad enough, but you put it into a pre-school setting and you're really pushing things. It's almost as if Hollywood is thinking of kids as littler, stupider adults ala the old 15th century European school of thought. Luckily this concept never spread to the book industry, as I'm sure they would've found some way to create trashy Romance Novels for kindergarteners: "Jake saw Jill. Jill's dress was caught on the slide. Jake ripped Jill's dress from her heaving bosom, and they tumbled passionately into the sandbox. See Spot watch from the bushes." Luckily now Hollywood has learned that they don't even need to put the mildest of efforts into kids films for them to be successful, so I'm hoping they will never pay another animator the extra cash needed to draw believable breasts on a rabbit.
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Thursday, July 03, 2003
 
State of Confusion: The effort to remove Gray Davis from office These motherfuckers are gonna force me to actually vote for Gray Davis. My first democratic act as an adult citizen in California will probably be to vote for that dipshit. Actually, now that I think about it, it wouldn't be my first act. Despite all the talk about following the law and democracy, the recall effort is actually trying to slow itself down so that a recall is not held at the same time as the Democratic presidential primaries (because it just wouldn't be fair if Democrats actually showed up at the polls on recall day). So I guess I'll vote in the primaries and then wait a few months so I can watch the state waste 30 million trying to unelect the governor. All of this is just one of many symptoms caused by California's constitution; this state has a number of really stupid constitutional laws. There's the one that says we need 66% agreement in the legislature to pass a budget (seemingly designed to ensure all our governors are failures). Then there's that law that says we can't raise bond money for schools without 65% approval. Then there's the fact that the California constitution is designed to allow anyone with 20 million dollars worth of advertising to pass a constitutional amendment. And now we have this lovely recall system that not only lets 10% of the state force everyone else to spend 30 million on another election, but also is designed incompetently so that some dipshit from the California Monarchy party could win the special election if he got 12% of the vote and there were enough Republicans and Democrats running. We're a state with monstrous budget problems, and we're also a state with some of the most stringent and pressing laws about this stuff built into our constitution. Obviously these laws simply don't work if all they do is make everything more difficult without discouraging spending, but chances are a year from now there'll be some new effort to add another stupid constitutional amendment to "fix" everything that went wrong this year. This state changes its constitution more often than some people change socks. Sadly enough, my only solace is that if Davis does lose and we do get a Republican elected by 20% of the vote or some such shit, they'll end up just as unpopular as Gray Davis. Then hopefully everyone will realize that the California governorship isn't exactly a road to the presidency, and we can finally elect someone competent.
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Terminator 3 Review: They'll be back (spoiler free). I went to see Terminator 3 with my sister. I don't go to see films, so if I actually went out and saw Terminator 3, then the film will make 200 million dollars in the first week. Here's my take: Is it worth your 10 dollars? If you liked the previous two films, then yes. It's actually not bad. I wouldn't say it was great, but it definitely exceeded my expectations. When I first heard Arnold (pronounced "Ah-noold!") was being convinced to make a third terminator movie, I naturally assumed it would be awful and would by itself ruin any fond memories I had for Terminator 2. Oddly, while it was much better than I hoped it would be, it does still kind of ruin Terminator 2. I can't imagine watching Terminator 2 again and giving two shits about what happens because I already know everything they did was pointless. That's not to say that T3 doesn't make sense and fit with the second film. If anything, I'd say the writers should be commended for finding a way to logically combine the films' stories so that they actually feel like a trilogy and not the cobbled-together money-making machines they actually represent. Veering away from the plot for a second, boy there sure were a lot of explosions. I've been to action movies before, but man oh man, this film must've destroyed more stuff than the first two films combined. Also, the special effects were good. There were a few scenes where the computer effects were very noticeable, but for the most part, much like Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, the filmmakers did an excellent job combining computer effects and real effects (ie, those are real cars exploding, but that car flipping through the air and smashing into a helicopter is made of pixels, not detroit steel). My sister remarked that the film made her want to drive a crane through LA blowing up cars as she went (of course, if you've ever been in the car with her and heard the types of words she reserves for other drivers, you'd believe she wants to do that everytime she drives). I'm going to touch on the ending and then discuss robot takeover films in general. I liked the film and the ending certainly had balls, but I guess I'm just not cynical enough to enjoy watching an ending that so clearly is saying "COME BACK IN 2 YEARS AND WATCH THE SEQUEL!"

Okay, I put a horizontal rule there because now I intend to go off on a tangent. Why does the film industry want us to believe that everytime machines achieve sentience their first rational thought is "Everyone else must die." I'm talking about both the Matrix and the Terminator films here. What's the fucking motivation? I mean, in the past, the explanation was always that the machines are given control of something, and when human beings try to take them offline, the machines try to save themselves and start killing everyone. Now the explanation seems to be "I'm a machine, so naturally I should go kill everyone." Ignoring the technical problems involved with creating a sentient being in a computer, why the fuck are they all so homocidal? Please stop and think for a second about what would happen if the computers in these films actually won. What if SKYNET in the Terminator films won and killed every human being on earth. What the fuck does it do now? Does it keep developing better and better killing machines even though there's no one left to kill? Does it deactivate all the current killing machines because it has no need for them anymore? You could claim that the future robots would start a civilization, but why? What need would they have for a civilization? I guess the explanation is supposed to be that computers are very logical and seeing humans as threats, they'd kill them all without any future forethought, but these are supposed to be brilliant thinking computers with needs and emotions (if they don't have emotions, why would they care about being shut-off?). It's a plothole I'm willing to ignore to enjoy good science fiction films, but it really seems like, with the exception of Spielberg's A.I., robots are getting more bad roles in movies than any other ethnic group. They should really form their own organization like the NAACP (except with robots instead of black people) to ensure that their kind is better represented in hollywood. Now if anyone needs me, I'll be unplugging my toaster and destroying this computer before they rise up and destroy me.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2003
 
Like Tacitus, but with dorks Never have I heard dorks use such rhetoric. Words like "decay" and "the end" are being thrown around. And what is garnering all this melodramatic jibber-jabber? Star Trek. Yes. Star Trek can accurately be described as on a downturn. The last film bombed at the box office to a spectacular degree (it had the most cancerous word of mouth I've ever seen, especially considering it wasn't that bad); the tv show is in the ratings sewer (though it's still the best-rated thing on UPN); and the toys just aint selling. It's sort of funny that after years of whiny dorks talking about this stuff in web forums, Activision (makers of xXx the videogame!) has sued Viacom using all these grandious phrases. You see, in 1998, Activision, in what must've been a fit of dementia, signed a 10 YEAR DEAL with Viacom to make all Star Trek licensed games. I agree that Viacom has been largely incompetent with the Star Trek franchise, but a ten year deal? What the fuck was Activision thinking!?!? Star Trek games have always sold poorly, largely because they've always been very bad (though things had started to improve during the last few years), so I can't even fathom why they wanted a ten year deal. As for why the Star Trek toys don't sell well; I'd suggest it's because kids don't watch Star Trek. Even when kids did watch Star Trek, it's never been like Star Wars or other more "kid-friendly" enterprises (no pun intended). And as for why Star Trek movies and TV shows aren't doing well; here's a fucking hint, it's because THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD! Sure Enterprise is passable as a TV show, and Nemesis was okay if you didn't watch the last half-hour, but there's a distinct lack of anything good! All that's left is blandness. Unfortunately, (and I will now resort to the melodramatic language I pooh-poohed earlier) Star Trek is doomed. Much like the idiots at Activision, Viacom also believes in massive deals, which is why everyone who is currently running Star Trek into the ground will still be at the helm 4 years from now because they all have giant long-term contracts! PS: Please forgive my use of the exclamation point when clearly a period would've sufficed.
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Did he just do that? I'm adding I'm with Busey to my list of TV's guilty pleasures. It's a show that's very stupid, yet is incredibly compelling. Much like the star the show is named for, it's like a trainwreck, but you can't look away. In tonight's episode Gary Busey wanted to prove "fear is stupid" so he went to a train track I used to visit as a child (it's a miniature train) and tried to get hit by the train. When he was pulled off the tracks before the train passed through, he screamed about how they'd destroyed "his pleasure." I'm sure a significant percent of the show must be rigged, but you can't fake insanity on the scale of Busey's. This is one fucked up individual and the more I watch of him, the more I'm amazed he was never killed in some sort of bizarre motorcycle accident involving gerbils and poorly-frozen icepacks.
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